Time-Out...

"I'm supposed to be the soldier who never blows his composure. Even though I hold the weight of the whole world on my shoulders I ain't never supposed to show it, my crew ain't supposed to know it Even if it means goin' toe to toe with a Benzino it don't matter. I'd never drag them in battles that I can handle unless I absolutely have to. I'm supposed to set an example. I need to be the leader, my crew looks for me to guide 'em. If something ever does pop off, I'm supposed to be beside 'em."
(© Shady Records)

These are the lyrics of a song by Eminem. I've had these words circling round my head for days now and I'm battling with the lies that they're feeding me. The past few weeks, months even, have been stressful. Issues with churches and politics, the dead-weight of a dissertation hanging around my neck like a millstone, organising rotas for various worship teams, applying for the ministerial recognition process, trying to organise a place to play football, picking up the pieces of this and that and over and above it all trying to hold it together...

I'm feeling empty, tired, fatigued...
I feel as though I'm running out of stuff to give...
I feel as though I've still got to hold it together and maintain this facade that everything is fine and that I'm coping... But that last feeling is a lie!

I'm realising and remembering that I don't have to hold the weight of the whole world on my shoulders. I'm remembering that I am allowed to show it and let my 'crew' know it.

"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."

I'm calling time-out. I'm re-learning lessons I thought I'd nailed ages ago. I don't have to live like this. I'm re-learning to get close to Jesus again; to listen to him, learn from him, follow his example.
Perhaps better lyrics to get lodged in my brain are these...

Drop thy still dews of quietness till all our strivings cease. Take from our souls the strain and stress and let our ordered lives confess the beauty of thy peace.